How to Deal When a Colleague Is Threatened by You

How to Deal When a Colleague Is Threatened by YouHow to Deal When a Colleague Is Threatened by You If you find yourself working alongside that colleague who routinely undercuts you in meetings, puts you down in conversations or criticizes your work in front of others, take note. Those are telltale signs that he or she may be threatened by you. Its difficult to exhibit your professional best, while also trying to deflect the shade that your colleague is throwing your way. While this situation can be tough to navigate, know that you have power here. Clarity helps Understanding why youre being treated this way can yield strategies for managing it. Heres what you need to know.It may seem like the part who is treating you this way is coming from a place of confidence and control, but the opposite is, in fact, the case. Dr. Claudia Luiz , award-winning author of The Making of a Psychoanalyst explains People act threatened by going into either fight or flight. In the fi ght position, they behave in a hostile way for fear of feeling inadequate or of being thwarted. In the flight mode, they shut down and stonewall and you absolutely cannot connect to the person. . . A lot of feelings can be behind feeling threatened by someone. The feelings that get aroused can range from deep inadequacy to actual fear.If your talent is stirring this reaction in your colleague, this certainly isnt your fault. But it helps to have a sense of where that person is coming from after all, you have to work with him or her. Luiz explains, Competent or beautiful people can arouse our worst fears about ourselves as well as our most unresolved anger about feeling lesser-than.You dont need this back-handed compliment. Its not your responsibility to make your colleague comfortable with you. But if you think its worth your effort, forging well-functioning relationships can make things easier at work. While harmonious relationships are helpful and satisfying in the workplace, yo u dont have to get along with everyone. Deciding what you need in this situation is step one. Is it worth it to try to finesse a relationship here, or are you better served to keep your distance? If you feel compelled to put effort into this relationship, know that it can be a chore. So think it through, and make sure its worth it. Luiz advises It takes work to put someone at ease who is threatened by you, and it requires both compassion and inauthenticity since you cant really be yourself with the person (after all, the person is not really seeing you for the totality of who you are, and is pushing you away whether they do so with the fight or flight). Therefore, you should always ask yourself, what is my goal in putting this person at ease?Be clear in your own mind about how you plan to proceed with this relationship and why youve decided to do so. Its also important to note and document instances that concern you, especially any that could put you at risk in any way, such as da maging your professional reputation. If you detect that this person is circulating incorrect information or publically questioning your competence, it may be in your best interest to give your manager a heads up. Note dates and times when instances took place and include a list of other staff people who were present. If you decide to move forward in your efforts to win over your difficult colleague, Luiz advises The way to neutralize a situation where someone feels threatened by you is to humanize yourself. Translation talk about vulnerabilities such as food allergies, the pressure to do too much with a busy household, grief because a family member died, or even honesty about a failure. In other words, painting yourself as a person who also struggles and has difficulties can change a persons feelings who may otherwise feel threatened because they put you on a pedestal. But know that if you take this route you need a clear sense of your own boundaries. You dont want the project of h umanizing yourself to give your colleague fodder for further mistreatment. Luiz explains Humanizing yourself may not work if a person wants to seek revenge at the hands of feeling inadequate or threatened. When a person is seeking revenge, they dont want to humanize you, they want to put you down. If you discover that this is the case, then its important to be firm and clear in the boundaries you set. Luiz advises You have to put a stop to it by simply saying I dont like the way you are behaving towards me. There are many ways of saying that you dont like the behavior, such as please stop talking over me in meetings,. . . and otherwise setting up boundaries to protect yourself from destructive behavior. People who feel threatened and are seeking revenge are often engaging in unconscious behavior. A firm redirect can go far in putting a stop to how they are behaving.While you may be able to salvage the relationship, its more complicated when a supervisor or a higher-level professiona l is the one whos enacting this behavior. If thats the case, Luiz points out If the superior is determined to put down an underling, that underling is not in a panzerschrank place. In this case, document and report to a leader you consider safe and to your HR colleagues. You deserve to feel safe and respected at your workplace. Theres no justification for mistreatment. If you endeavor to put your colleague at ease, its kind of you. It may reduce the weight of this hassle, but dont feel like you have to. Its not your role to make this work, its your colleagues responsibility to stop dragging his or her baggage to work.